I am flooded with thoughts all the time. Can't seem to get them out of my head. This musical, this community, this process, all keep scrolling through my head. What I need to do, what I want to do, what I do. I can breathe, so I know I am not drowning, but it is here all the time. I love it!
If you know me, which I don't let many do, you know I love to be involved. I tend to obsess a bit when I am involved and it takes a lot of my time. That is how I have always been, and always will be. Maybe worse now, with my son in Phoenix. I haven't seen him in over 4 months. I miss him like crazy, but rarely have time to think about it. (see above)
I find the process the most intense. I am a people watcher and boy, do I have some people to watch! They share, they sing, they move, they emote (throw chairs)! It is there, but I am watching. Now, while I watch I am busy. I am running the rehearsal tracks, I am watching, I am listening, I am working on all the graphics and the newsletter and the programs and thinking about the technical things that I have to figure out for the show, hearing people asking for more technical things, and trying to stay afloat on all of it. See, drowning.
The thing is, I said I love it - and I do - but drowning has ALWAYS been the death I feared the most. The idea of not being able to breathe, choking, gasping - just thinking about it kind of bothers my breathing and stress levels - so I will stop thinking about it. I am breathing, doing something I love, no anxiety about being on stage, (I rarely make it that far, too much else to do) and wouldn't have it any other way (unless we do Beauty and the Beast - I soooo want to be Mrs. Potts).
The only thing I would like to change - being able to let others get to know me. I am a closed book and keep it all in. This blog is hard to write, just saying these things, but people around me are pouring their hearts out. I see it, I feel it, but can't necessarily "join" in, because, what happens if I do? I stay safe in my busyness, loving it but sometimes, feeling unconnected. I know I am not alone, but it's hard to know who else is like that (we are all closed up!).
I am so glad to be in this process, thinking about how people relate, how I relate. This is hard but good. I am not drowning, just swimming with some terrific folks, who I believe would save me if I went under.
Breathing easy!
